Growing up, I was not the girl who spent hours daydreaming about her wedding day.  I didn’t really daydream about my bachelorette party, or walking down the aisle. I had no idea what I wanted my dress to look like or what kind of cake toppers I’d have on my cake.  I always assumed I’d get married, but I guess I had never really visualized what my wedding would actually look like. I just assumed that when it happened, I’d be in be in perfect health (and so would my future husband), with the perfect dress, on the perfect day, to the perfect person, combining the perfect two families, and enjoying the perfect cakes and decorations and the perfect send off for our perfect honeymoon. Everything would be perfect, just like what happens on TV, right?  My assumptions about my perfect wedding didn’t pay any mind to the all the trials and tribulations (including learning to live with my ostomy) I had to go through in order to get to my special day. Regardless, I was mostly right, especially in the most important assumption: I married the perfect person for me.

Let’s go back a few years though, to when I was sitting at the hospital discussing the risks and rewards of ostomy surgery with my doctor. I had a million questions and concerns, but I’ve got to tell you, very few of them had anything to do with finding love with an ostomy.  We could debate over whether this had something to do with the amount of drugs the hospital had in my system or whether I was truly confident that having an ostomy wouldn’t matter, but I’d argue that it’s the latter. While I’ve had my moments of self doubt in the love arena, I’ve managed to keep a pretty positive outlook overall when it came to my love life.

Fast forward to a year ago and let me tell you about my real life wedding day. We opted for an intimate, 35 attendee (family only) wedding, which meant my sister-in-law’s backyard was just the right size.  Okay, it was kind of squished, 35 people is still a handful.

With vows at 10am, I had an early start getting my hair and makeup done.  I had this genius idea that I would skip breakfast so that I didn’t have too much output throughout the day but (thankfully) the friend who did my hair and makeup convinced me to have at least half a bagel with some cream cheese.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t planning to put off eating for the whole day, we had a taco cart lined up for our lunchtime reception and I absolutely planned to chow down. After my hair and makeup were complete, I headed over to my sister-in-law’s house and let myself inside to go change while everyone else was helping set up in the backyard.

My mom put a pretty flower in my hair and laughed with me when I realized that my nude colored Spanx were a little bit see-through (showing off my not-nude-colored underwear, oops!).

Did you catch that? I wore Spanx to help keep my pouch close to my belly. I bought 3 or 4 different spanx-like products and then chose the one that I felt most comfortable and confident wearing. Feeling comfortable and confident on your wedding day is important no matter what, but especially when you’ve got an ostomy.

I have to brag a little bit about my dress, because it was custom made for me by my grandma!  I had trouble finding a dress that I liked, but that also fit the feel of our late morning, spring, backyard wedding. I tried on some of your typical wedding dresses and in addition to how uncomfortable they were, I didn’t want a long dress with a tail to be dragged across the outside ground and potentially get ruined or tripped over. My grandma is fabulous and was ready for a new project so she offered to sew me a dress – how could I say no?  The bonus to this was that we got to spend extra time together for a couple weeks while I went over to her house for fittings and alterations.

So, my dress turned out AMAZING. It fit me perfectly, looked adorable, was totally comfortable AND made going to the bathroom super easy.  The only thing I didn’t like about it during our last fitting, was that I felt like you could see a bulge from my ostomy just a little bit. From my vantage point (and also probably my imagination), the right side of the front pleats of my dress stuck out just a little more than the left side of the front pleats did.

To remedy this and ease my mind, my grandma made me a thin little pillow, like 1.5”x3” of the same material of my dress that I pinned to the inside of my Spanx so that my abdomen was level all the way across. It was genius.

Before I knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle and join my future husband in front of our families.  I mostly didn’t cry as I sat there listening to our officiant (who also happens to be the best brother in the entire world) speaking to our guests, reading all the sappy words we’d written for him, asking us to repeat our vows as we promised to love each other forever and ever no matter what.

We took turns struggling as we put our carefully selected rings on the other’s fingers and had our first kiss as husband and wife.  Boom. Married. Just like that. And you know what? My husband knows about my ostomy. He married me anyway because while my ostomy is a part of me, it doesn’t define me.  While I may sometimes feel a little bit anxious to try something new and blame my ostomy for that anxiety, it’s up to me whether or not I choose to let it hold me back and you better believe I wasn’t about to let having an ostomy hold me back from finding a life partner to love and be loved by.

The rest of the day flew by.  Our guests were amazing and helped change how the backyard was set up after our vows by adding in tables and putting our cutesy decorations on them while we were taking photos.  The taco cart people arrived once our vows were done, which worked out perfectly (plus, tacos!). I ate part of a plate of tacos but I eat slowly and chew my food thoroughly so I didn’t really have a ton of time to eat until it was near the end of the afternoon (nor was I super hungry, I was a little preoccupied!).  I did make sure I was drinking water throughout the day (and our homemade horchata).  Not overeating on tacos was also great because it meant I had lots of room for dessert! Before I knew it, our wedding was over and it was time to clean up.. and snack on more cake and tacos.

Having confidence about dating, disclosing that you have an ostomy and whatever your reason for needing said ostomy was, and believing that you’re still lovable is something that many people struggle with.  If you haven’t yet found your match, take this as a token of hope and believe in yourself.  Trust me, my husband is not the only person in the world who is capable of loving someone who has an ostomy. I truly believe that how you approach your ostomy when talking to a potential partner can affect how they will respond.

Approaching your ostomy with confidence and gratitude for your life is a huge step toward being able to convey those feelings to a potential partner. There might be people out there who choose to date someone else, even with your incredible attitude about your ostomy and how confidently you shared your story, but remember that you are who you are and you come with your baggage (hah!).  They might have chosen to date someone else even if you’d had all your body parts though, so thank them for letting you know early on that they’re not the one for you and go find someone who loves you for all that you are. They’re out there. I promise.

Did you get married after you had ostomy surgery? What are your biggest concerns about getting married with an ostomy?  Share your story below, I’d love to hear it!