Do you have a “get ready” routine for going to exercise classes? I do. It mostly involves grabbing my bag of stuff and rushing out the door! Since I know there are certain things that I like to bring to class to make sure that I’m not self conscious about my ostomy, comfortable in class and taking care of myself, I usually take a quick inventory as I’m leaving:

Keys? Check.
Phone? Check.
Water bottle WITH WATER IN IT? Check.
Support belt? Check.
Appropriate clothing (wrap, high waisted spandexy shorts, yoga pants, sports bra, tshirt…)? Check.
Emergency kit? Check.

Having my ostomy for over four years and exercising consistently for three of them means I’ve done this routine countless times. So on the day I got to capoeira class and realized I’d forgotten the exercise shorts I like to wear under my pants, I panicked.

The uniform I wear to my capoeira class consists of white capoeira pants, a cordao (like a rope belt), and a capoeira logo shirt. The pants are usually low to mid-rise, which means they land in the middle of my pouch. And what happens for me when I wear pants that land in the middle of my pouch is that I end up with a balloon above my pants and the pants cut off the flow of my output into the lower part of my pouch. Not only was this setup kind of uncomfortable and had the potential to cause a leak and/or some serious pancaking, it made me SO SELF CONSCIOUS! To combat this mid-pouch constriction, I typically wear high-waisted exercise shorts or a wrap underneath my pants.

I knew that I’d be going upside-down in cartwheels and doing movements that would lift my shirt up, making my pouch visible to the other students. I was so anxious that the other students in class were going to see my pouch. You know, heart racing, butterflies in stomach, feeling like I wanted to cry and puke. I was beating myself up for forgetting my shorts and felt like I had no choice but to stay and suffer the consequences (okay, so I’m a little bit stubborn too).

After a quick self-pep-talk, I encouraged myself to put my anxiety to the side and have fun in class. I reasoned that the worst thing that would happen was that someone would notice it and ask me about it, and that it would be an opportunity to spread awareness. Class started and I was still feeling hyper-aware of my pouch. I just kept pulling my shirt down, trying to get it to tuck into my pants a little bit. I was so preoccupied with making sure my ostomy stayed incognito, it was hard to actually participate in the movements. As class went on, I got distracted by the movement and my anxiety began to fade. I realized that if I was so focused on my movements in class, the other students probably were too, which meant that they weren’t paying attention to what I was doing anyway. By the end of class, I had let go of my insecurities and even ended up videoing a couple movements.

We often get so caught up in worrying about what other people will think about us, we forget they’re not thinking about us in the first place. I recognize there is some irony in this situation, being that I advocate for ostomy awareness and am so open about having an ostomy both on and off-line. I wanted to share this story to show you that even though I advocate for ostomy awareness, I get self conscious about my ostomy showing sometimes. I wanted to show you that even though I felt self conscious about my ostomy, I didn’t let it hold me back from doing what I’d set out to do. Everything turned out just fine and none of the other students asked me about it so I have no idea if they noticed it or not.

Have you been in a situation where you felt like everyone was going to stare at your ostomy, but it turned out fine? Share below, I love hearing about other people’s experiences!