You know you’re an ostomate when…
- Talking about diarrhea seems like a perfectly acceptable topic for conversation.
- Getting old food on your hands while doing the dishes grosses you out more than getting poop on your hands.
- Not having an ostomy pouch on your abdomen seems weird.
- Ostomy poop smells normal/okay and colon poop smells weird/bad.
- Someone tells a joke and your stoma “laughs” with you.
- Your purse is three times bigger to accommodate your emergency kit.
- Showering “fully” naked is exciting.
- The color, consistency, and detail of your poop interests you more than most other topics.
- Your new “butthole” has a name.
- You poop around company, during meetings, while you eat….
- Pooping does not require clothing removal.
- You worry stores might think you’re shoplifting if they see the lump from a full bag.
- When you’re playing Cards Against Humanity, you always get to go first (whoever pooped last goes first).
- You absent-mindedly feel your bag to see if it needs emptying, regardless of your surroundings.
- You categorize your friends as “rectal” and “non-rectal”.
Perks of an Ostomy
- When you have minor diarrhea, you can be comfortable in your bed instead of rushing back and forth urgently to the toilet
- Built in handwarmer
- You can poop while you eat, or wash dishes, or watch a movie, or swim…the list goes on
- You won’t have to tackle hemmoroids or constipation during pregnancy
- If you had IBD, now you can go out in public without worrying where the nearest restroom is
- If you had IBD, you can eat a lot more foods without flaring up
- If you had colon cancer, you don’t have it anymore
- You can poop or pee standing up, regardless of your gender
- If you have your butt sewn up, someone would literally have to rip you a new asshole
- If you have your butt sewn up, the doctors can’t stick anything up there anymore
- Built in jerk repellent when dating (or making friends)
- There’s no more concern that you’ll shit your pants when you get scared
- Endless inside jokes with your friends who know you have an ostomy
- You might have to flush a couple times, but you won’t be clogging up any more toilets
Ostomy Jokes
Being able to laugh at your situation is a huge help for self-esteem and healing, so here’s some silly jokes.