I would be lying if I said every day with an ostomy was easy.  Today is one of the days that it’s not so easy to stay in a good mood. I woke up early and haven’t been getting a lot of sleep (not ostomy related, just busy).  I’m grateful that my body wakes me up when my bag gets to a certain point if it’s before my alarm goes off but boy is it irritating to wake up half an hour before your alarm.  No point in going back to bed.  My output was super liquid this morning which always makes me nervous that I’m going to have diarrhea.  Even though I have an ileostomy, my output it typically more like a thick smoothie than liquid. Three hours later, it was still liquid and my bag was much more full than normal.  I had plans for today and am frustrated because the reason that I opted for a colectomy was so that I didn’t have to worry about the bathroom so much. Most days that’s the case but on days that I still have to worry about the bathroom I get really bummed out.

I just want to be normal. Don’t we all?

I want to feel healthy and pain free, yet I’m always so worried that something is wrong the back of my mind. I’m worried about doctors telling me I was misdiagnosed and that instead of Ulcerative Colitis, that I have Crohn’s disease. I’m worried about getting fibroids or adhesions or god knows what else. Every pain or ache I get makes me wonder.  I’m not sure what crohns symptoms would be like with an ostomy. I don’t have blood coming out but sometimes I have this really weird foam, like rabies status, not like air bubbles.  Other times the output seems really slimy which I equate to being mucousy.  My insides are crampy and sore and I don’t know if it’s from exercise or something being wrong.  I don’t know what’s going on inside me and it drives me nuts.  For the most part I try to remind myself to focus on positive thinking and the “here and now”.  I know there’s no point in worrying about what hasn’t happened yet but at the same time, I’m human, and humans have a tendency to worry.  So that’s kind of where I’m at today. I’m trying really hard to stay in a good mood, taking my friends grandma out for breakfast and hoping that my output and my attitude will shape up. The day is much too beautiful to be miserable in.

This post was originally written in February 2014.